I’ve been a Mess, I had a Meltdown, and I guess I’m Still Here

Hello good friends of my heart, of the internet, of the international association of stargazers, it is I, our good samfriend, coming to you live from ~graduate school~ with another newsletter update!

I’m writing this from my desk again, where I have been doing most of my work—because Tennessee’s covid numbers are quite literally #1 in the country / the world, I haven’t felt that comfortable to study places, which has been a large adjustment! Last time I was in school, I practically lived in the library (ok, the coffee shop ATTACHED to the library, where I was mostly socializing, but still, I wasn’t in my bedroom!) and it’s such an adjustment to try to do all this homework in one place. I have recently scouted some good coffee shops with outdoor seating, but also I have 100 million mosquito bites and generally overheat within 40 minutes of sitting outside, so. I’m trying to make it work. But it is hard!

Some of you might have seen my very public twitter meltdown recently, about how I wanted to drop out of my MFA program. I definitely am not going to drop out of this program urgently or anything, but I am glad I brought it up. The amount of absolute bullshit in graduate school is truly unhinged. I had heard this from literally 100 friends, but to experience it myself is an entirely different matter. Also, I was out of school for 7 years, which is a long break!! and the adjustment to being in school again has been like literal hell lmao.

I want to get into more specifics about this but tbh just my twitter meltdown sounded some alarms in my department, so, I don’t think these newsletters will be a safe space to share those details right now. And I do feel lucky to be here—lucky to have gotten in, lucky to be funded, lucky to have people in my cohort I know I will be friends with for the rest of my life, lucky for some of the guidance I am receiving by so many people who really care.

But also, there is a lot of bullshit. Some basically all white syllabi. Some very weird antisemtism. Very basic lack of care or concern. So many ridiculously administrative tasks. It’s like, I’m here to write, not to fight to change all the archaic things wrong with an English department. But unfortunately, when you are a person who cares, you quickly get tasked with having to do both. The amount of things I’ve already demanded needing changed is absurd lmao I have been here for what???? 5 weeks????????? calm down everyone.

Writing updates! I have written SEVEN new poems since starting classes 4 weeks ago. I had two poems accepted at Moist Literary Journal, both of which are about my mom. I have written 25 pages of fiction on my new novel(la), which I will be workshopping very soon ^^ and I made some really amazing edits on my first poetry book manuscript! Officially sending it out all fall, seeing if I get any bites chomp chomp.

I got to zoom with both Tyehimba Jess and Marilyn Nelson in the last 2 weeks lmao what is life. I’m reading O’Hara, Eliot, Stein, etc in my 20th century lit class. I’ve read 2 life-changingly good fiction stories from fiction phd ppl in my department. It is fun! the class work part. I really like it.

But. I have been overwhelmed. I escaped to Chicago for labor day weekend without really telling anyone, just needing to get away. I spent almost every morning at Hollywood beach, before writing and working for the day. I stopped at First Sip!!!! And got to sing karaoke at a backyard fundraiser/party. It reminded me how much I love Chicago. How I can truly go back whenever.

I love you all. Hope you enjoy these lil updates. Send me a fruit pin maybe to put on my backpack? The one I used to use broke, and idk how to let all these undergrads know I am first and foremost a FRUIT.

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<3

Sammy